Baby Reindeer creator Richard Gadd has revealed the “devastating” effects a sexual assault ordeal had on him – and how he managed to recover and achieve Golden Globes glory.
The star, 35, from Fife, says he was groomed by a powerful theatre director, who has yet to be identified, affecting his self-worth and plunging him into depression.
He says the predator filled him “with confidence” before he was repeatedly sexually assaulted.
The experience forms a pivotal part of the hit Netflix series Gadd wrote and starred in.
Gadd, who was abusing drugs and alcohol at the time of the attacks, said: “I just couldn’t believe that it happened and with someone I trusted. Also, how could I be so stupid was part of it as well.
“If you’re lacking in self confidence that’s easier.
“I think you go through a process of denial or minimising it and a process of just trying not to think about it. But eventually you cannot help but let it in.
“Once you let it in it’s devastating because it affects your brain, it affects your mood, it affects your body.
“It was just a figure I met when I got into the industry and it was a pretty horrible, horrible time.”
In Baby Reindeer, based on Gadd’s experiences at the hands of the rapist and an alleged stalker, he maintains a relationship with the man.
“It was just a terrible situation,” Gadd said. “It’s like waking up in a nightmare. And then coming to terms with it and being traumatised your brain chemistry changes.
“You struggle to make it to the bus on time because of this slushy sort of depression that fills your system.
“I remember my mum and a friend called James, I ended up opening up to them eventually but then it starts to affect your friendships because you start to compulsively lean on people…
“And it just has such a destructive impact on your life, on your friendships, on your work, on everything. It got to the point where I thought I have to come to terms with this because the secret was too much to bear.”
He first hinted at his ordeal as a stand-up comedian in his 2016 Edinburgh Fringe show Monkey See Monkey Do.
Gadd said: “That was when I started to come to terms with it. At that time it was pre-#metoo. So not many people spoke about this.
“I meticulously planned an Edinburgh show where I was going to speak about sexual abuse and being sexually abused and the assault it had on my senses, on my sense of self, the sense of masculinity.
“It felt very dangerous to do in a way. There was the fear of judgment, the fear of friends and family not being able to look at me in the same way.
“It won the Perrier award that year but I thought it was going to be the ruin of me. I went up expecting this dark show to be the death of me.
“I remember someone asking me what I wanted to get out of it and I said, to make it out alive.
“But it turned into the most euphoric, healing month of my life.”
Gadd has now found global fame with Baby Reindeer, which was awarded six Emmy awards and two Golden Globes.
Gadd said: “I just won a Golden Globe. So I never would have thought that. Golden Globes wouldn’t even have come into my mind or Emmys and stuff like this.
“It wasn’t on my radar.
“In the UK, you would pray and hope that you’d maybe get a BAFTA or you would be nominated or be in BAFTA contention but I wasn’t even thinking about that.
“I knew I was making this dark, weird, idiosyncratic show that maybe no-one would watch that might be artistically celebrated. I kept hearing the words, this might be a cult hit and usually cult hit means no-one will watch it but a few people might like it.
“I still believed in it in my soul, but a lot of people thought it would disappear without trace.”
Gadd is now an ambassador for Break The Silence, an Ayrshire charity which supports people affected by childhood sexual trauma.
He said: “The only way you can get through it is by speaking and not being ashamed of it, because I think it builds up so much shame inside you that it can create some real internal damage and psychological damage that the only way I know is to speak out about it.
“I couldn’t look people in the eye in checkouts. I remember I’d be paying for food and I’d be almost having a panic attack because I’d think they could see it on me, smell it on me.
“I remember the feeling was so awful it was like it was in my spit, in my blood. It was running through me, this horrible feeling of defilement and abuse.”
He added that he set out to “pull myself out of that situation and piece myself back together again and think about my future, my ambitions, and try to get my life back on track”, but says it felt “borderline impossible. It was unbelievable. I mean, it was devastating”.
His early attempts at drawing on his trauma through comedy bombed.
However, Baby Reindeer was picked up by Netflix and has picked up six Emmy awards and two Golden Globes.
In the seven-parter, he plays a version of himself called Donny Dunn who is stalked by a Scots woman called Martha.
One of Netflix’s most popular shows, Baby Reindeer has not been without controversy.
Baby Reindeer starring Richard Gadd and Jessica Gunning
(Image: Netflix)
Internet sleuths identified his real-life stalker as fellow Scot Fiona Harvey, who has denied many of the claims made in the show.
Having never been to prison unlike the character Martha, she is suing Netflix for defamation by pointing to the streaming giant’s claim “this is a true story” – in the show’s opening credits.
But Gadd insists the stalking ordeal happened around the same time as the sexual abuse.
“I was working in a bar and it went on for a large number of years at the same time as the other stuff,” he said.
“It was just an awful time and I think sometimes that happens. Sometimes when you are going through a really difficult time you do become a magnet for other dangers in your life because you are so exposed…
“I think I was just looking for comfort wherever I could find it. That is what it does to you. You look for anything to distract yourself from the trauma of what happened.
“It was just a crazy time.
“It just kind of stopped and, when it did resolve itself, I had this feeling that it had kind of traumatised me and that’s when I decided to do Baby Reindeer.”
He also tried counselling to come to terms with being raped by the man who promised to make him famous.
Speaking in Los Angeles on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast, he added: “For me what works about therapy is there’s a place you can go where you can tell all your fears without judgement.
“I was picking up my life again.”
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